More than meets the eye

Note: This was a paper I wrote 2010 in my Rhetoric class in college. The purpose of the paper was to pick a stereotype that we fell into, portray the negative aspects of the stereotype and then how we overcame them or don’t embody the stereotype. For example, dumb blondes or the topic of mine – foster/adopted children. I felt the need to share this paper following my blog post on the recent TV show “The Fosters”

Every child wants to be loved by their parents and maybe get a shiny new toy to keep them occupied. Regardless of whether or not the child shows that they need affection, we understand that as humans we need someone to love us. The same concept goes for a child that is placed into foster care and than into a foster home. However, they may show a need for love and affection more than children who grow up with their natural parents. Often, foster children have a troubled image. They go from foster home to foster home because they are unable to get along with their foster parents or siblings. Then, they are viewed as problematic children with behavioral problems.

These children often comes with anger management issues as well as problems communicating with the foster parents or the ability to get along with other children in the household. Foster children get into both verbal and physical fights, often resulting in the child running away from the foster home or being removed from it altogether thus, starting the cycle over again. They lack the skill to adapt to the new family because they feel out of place, as if they do not belong, or as if they are not wanted. A foster child may come with several emotional problems because of everything that the child has gone through at such a young age. The have emotional problems that can make it hard to deal with the anger. They keep all their emotions and feelings to themselves and do not let anyone else know what they are thinking. If the emotions remain bottled up long enough violent tendencies can surface. They will lash out on the first person nearest to them. Lashing out is the easiest way for them to release all the tension that they are feeling without realizing that they are causing pain to the people around them.

I am an adopted child, and I started out in foster care. From personal experience, I can tell you that I have had my share of behavioral problems, but I am still going to be successful. Some foster children may have behavioral problems, but most of us would have problems if our parents left us or were forcefully taken from them. It took my most of my life to start to control my anger problems and I am still working on them. Foster kids may have behavioral problems that may develop later into the child’s life, but all they need is an escape or a way to let the emotion out.

For example, I bottle up my emotions. When I am alone, I break down so no one can see me. I tend to hide my feelings so that the world believes me to be okay. I do not like talking to people about my feelings; there are bigger problems in the world than if I am feeling okay today. I played sports to try and release anger, and even though that allowed me to release anger, it did not all me to let out some of the bottled emotion. I write in a notebook the things that come to my head, song lyrics I write, lines from movies, or random quotes from the internet that catch my attention and mean something to me. This semester, I have taken up a blog [not this one, a tumblr hiya-im-vickie.tumblr.com]. So now, I write publicly online. Even though anger and behavioral problems are noticed more in in adopted children, overtime they can be controlled.

Behavioral problems and anger management was just one of the things that I had to overcome. Like so many other adopted children, when trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to get it back. I believe, that this coincides with the abandonment issue. You love someone and are attached to them and than suddenly that are gone; removed from your life. Trust is a bond that people need in relationships. Whether it is parent to child, between siblings, boyfriend to girlfriend or between friends, trust is needed. It is hard for a child that was put into foster care to fully trust anyone. This inability to trust is often accompanied with the fear of abandonment associated with the fact that their parents “did not want them.” So they are reluctant to trust, feeling as though whoever they get close will also abandon them. The closer that I get to someone, the more afraid I get that they will be leaving me. It has happened before.  Who is to say it will not happen again/. This is why, to me, it may be the hardest wall to climb: to fully trust another human again.

Another image that I find associated to foster or adopted children is a troubled one. In television shows and movies there is a misperception that adopted children really do not have the will to succeed in life. They tend to drop out of school, hardly ever pursue higher education, end up doing nothing with their lives. Because of their inability to trust, it is also difficult to maintain relationships. The belief that foster children chose to do absolutely nothing with their lives is false in my eyes. I am enrolled in school and have set many goals for myself that are attainable.  I am going places. I think that children places in foster care and later adopted have more willpower to succeed. We want to prove that we can succeed better than if we stayed with our biological parents. There had to be a reason we were placed in foster care, so obviously we can be better.  I am proof that most cases being adopted is the right option regardless of the emotional  pain that the child goes through.

In conclusion, although there are so many common misperceptions that come with being an adopted/foster child, that does not mean they are true. Yes, I will admit that there is some truths that adopted children tend to have behavioral problems. However, these problems can be easily fixed. The trust issue that they have will dissipate with time. I know all of this from my personal experience. One should not see foster children as problematic with behavioral issues, but children that have the potential to do so much more. The emotional problems are just an obstacle that they have to climb.

Age bouts: your first bikini.

As warmer weather approaches so does the question about what is a suitable age for parents to let their daughters purchase their first bikini. You see little kids in bikinis that their parents pick out and you think it is absolutely adorable [at least I do]. These first bikinis come equipped with skirts, ruffles, colours, and embellishments. What I want to know is when/at what age does the bikini go from innocence to trying to attract more attention than needed at a young age?

I’m almost 23 years old and I remember picking out and purchasing my first bikini. I was thirteen when I got my first two piece that my mother didn’t pick out for me. It was bright orange with blue/pink hibiscus flowers on it. It was a triangle top with a full coverage bottom, nothing was exposed and I made sure of it. I was a flat chested thirteen year old with no interest in boys [in my eyes they still had cooties]. My biological father never let my younger sister where a bikini until she eventually purchased one at 14 years old without him knowing. It was purple with lime green polka dots, and a triangle top that tied and you were able to move the pieces depending on the amount of cleavage you chose to show. The difference between myself and my well endowed younger sibling was two things: 1. we were raised by different sets of parents 2. she cared about boys, her appearance, and being well liked. Kids, children, teenagers, whatever they are nowadays are “maturing” faster, they’re filling out and developing faster than I could have ever dreamed. They’re wearing makeup earlier, dating, having their first kiss, and trying to pick out their first bikini earlier. They care what they look like and wouldn’t be caught dead getting dirty in the mud or roaming around in soffee shorts and a t-shirt during the summertime months.

In my opinion, when a daughter starts to care if boys are looking at her and goes to extra lengths to make sure she is perfect every time she leaves the house that is the perfect time to WATCH WHAT BATHING SUIT SHE WANTS! I’m not saying that she can’t have the bikini or can’t wear one, but it should be screened by parents. She’s not a Victoria’s Secret Angel, she doesn’t need a push up or movable pieces. She doesn’t have to show off the cleavage she developed, there will be plenty of time for that when she is older. Her swimsuit attire should be modest and be suitable for a young lady, not something you find on the VSFS runway.

When she gets about half way into high school, again in my opinion, would be the time to allow her some freedom of choosing WHATEVER bikini she wants. You have already instilled in her the tools for flattering her body, being modest, and having self respect for her body.

What’s your opinion on first bikinis? When did you get your first, with full freedom to choose? How do you plan on gauging when is an appropriate age for your daughter? Spill?