Marriage and the younger generation

At the age of twenty-two, myself and my husband took our vows on a warm July day. According to some, twenty-two was too early to know who we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. Our theory: When you know who you’re supposed to be with, you just know. Why prolong it any further? We’ve done our growing up, went to college, went to basic training, had experiences. We made a decision, not on a whim or because our parents arranged it for us, but because we know the vows we planned on taking were serious and forever, so we had to be right. Both rooted into religion as we are… divorce simply is not an option as it is for some.

A long while ago, society used to marry their daughters very young; in their teen years, to a male that was to be their partner for their rest of their life., it was arranged. Even though unhappy they were stuck with that person for the rest of their lives. Eventually, we chose the male we were to spend our life with and even moreso the age in which we were going to start spending it with them. Couples got married later in life, thirties – forties. Couples waited until they were out of high school, college, have careers, and places of their own before settling down with someone else. As I sat and watched “Say yes to the dress: Atlanta” I was shocked to find out some of the ages of the brides looking for their dresses. There were two specifically that stuck out to me, both were seventeen years old.

At seventeen years old, I was picking out my prom dress not my wedding dress [not that I wore one anyway, but besides the point]. At seventeen years old I was not thinking about marriage, I was worrying about college, grades, swim competitions, SATs, and my boyfriend.  I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, job wise, until retirement let alone think who I was going to spend the REST of my life with. How at the age of seventeen do you know who are supposed to marry, how could you? Up until that point you are still living at home, having meals prepared for you, being told to do your homework, studying, and socializing at the bowling alley on Friday nights.

These two seventeen year old girls on “Say yes to the dress” were still wearing their braces! And the one was saving her first KISS for her wedding day, first KISS?? You’re going to have your first kiss and your first… um, time be on your wedding night? Wow…isn’t that moving a little – fast? The other girl wanted her wedding dress to be sexy and make her look like a grown up. If you’re trying to “look like a grown up” and “look like you should be taken seriously” you should be shopping for prom dresses and waiting for puberty to hit, not be in bridal wear – unless of course you’re a junior bridesmaid to your older sister.

Is the younger generation, teenagers, taking marriage too lightly? Do they not understand the purpose of marriage, the forever-ness of it? Maybe getting married isn’t a big deal anymore since divorce is so high and can be done simply. At the age of twenty-three, I am absolutely certain I am with who I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with, he brings out the best in me, believes in me, and looks at me in such a way no one ever has, along with a long list of other reasons I know I am supposed to be with him. At the age of twenty-three, I am just realizing what I want to do with my life, career wise. I could never have learned all of this in high school, I didn’t even meet my husband in high school!

Maybe growing up you need solid role models for everything. My grandparents have been married for roughly sixty five years, they’ve been my model for marriage. My husband’s parents have been married for over twenty years, and have been is model for a healthy marriage. I hope that the younger  generation puts as much thought into getting married to someone for the rest of their life as they put into planning their perfect wedding, it’s not a decision to be taken lightly.

Confessions of the Military Significant Other.

Introduction

I came up with the idea that I wanted to write about being a military significant other and the challenges that come with “being married to the military”. The idea has blossomed  and flourished in more ways than I thought it was going to. Since my experience as a military significant other is different than others, I recruited the help of different military significant others everywhere. I am a reserve soldier married to active duty, both Army. I asked Army Girlfriends, Army Wives, Future Air Force Wives, Navy Wives, and everyone else between. All of our experiences have been different; they have been positive, negative, rewarding, and challenging. They have been everything we expected and everything we haven’t. They allowed us to see what truly matters and brush off the little things.

This idea to write about it has, like I said, grown. I will be making it a series of posts over the next few months with something different written every couple of weeks. They will be a collaboration of all our experiences. Through the deployments, the late work nights, the weeks in the field, the homecoming, the leaving, and the having them home. It will be the drama, the moving, relocating and starting over. It will be the raising the children.

My hope is to share with you the experiences we go through and how each one is different than the next.

Loving a military man is not hard. The distance is hard, the worry is hard, the sacrifices are hard. But loving him? That’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done

Just a Dream

This is a song performed by Carrie Underwood. Every time I hear it and watch the video I literally cry.

I have been having bad dreams lately, and this song really allows me to separate bad dreams, nightmares, from the life dreamed for myself and my husband.

Dare to dream.

 Dreams.

 We all have them.

 When we fall asleep at night, we dream.

 When we’re growing up, we dream about the future.

Dreams are an ideal image of how we envision something whether it’s a dream vacation, career, house, or wedding. When we dream about those things, we think perfection, flawless, and what we feel we will most happy with. Dreams also have another meaning associated with it. Dreams are also a series of visions that occur whilst in an unconscious state, sleeping. Sleep dreams come in all different shapes and sizes, they are good, bad and borderline on nightmares.

Why then do we associate the word “dream” to those that we have whilst sleeping that we don’t want to come true?

Yes, we have another word for “bad dreams”, we call them nightmares. Nightmares and bad dreams are on two different levels. Nightmares are the ones that jolt you from your sleep, leave you crying, leave you not wanting to close your eyes, they scare you and traumatize you. Bad dreams are the ones that you want to wake up from but can’t, they play on something you don’t want to happen or are afraid of happening.

I thought about this topic after I woke up from my fourth bad dream in about two weeks. I definitely can’t classify them as nightmares because I wasn’t terrified. There wasn’t a supernatural aspect and I wasn’t kicking or screaming. I was upset, not terrified which is how I know it wasn’t a nightmare. So I have been having bad dreams, but I don’t want them to come true. I don’t want to feel the heartache and helplessness I experienced in that dream. Cinderella never dreamed that she wanted her life to be all about sweeping and waiting on her stepsisters. She envisioned a better life for herself, never did I read about her waking up crying or gripping the pillow hoping it will go away. Her dreams revolved around love and happily ever after, and they came true. In no way shape or form, do I want my “dreams” I’ve been having recently to come true, and I know they won’t. They’re stemming from separation anxiety and I know that, so I know they’re not going to come true.

We should continue to dream about the future when we’re conscious, awake, and in full control of our thoughts. We shouldn’t get discouraged about the bad dreams we have when we think we shut down our brains. We need to continue to separate the difference between our conscious and unconscious dreams. Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t be afraid to fall asleep. When you wake up from the bad dreams, you think on the good dreams and all you want them to unfold into.

What are your thoughts? Why do we associate such a positive term with something completely negative?

Call me old-fashioned.

Scene of “Abstinence speech” from 17 Again, starring Zac Efron

It’s called “making love” isn’t it? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think that means you do it with someone you love. And preferably when you’re married. You know, when you’re ready to take that love and turn it into a baby. Because that’s what love is. It’s the first moment when you hold your baby girl… and you didn’t know that anything could be so small or so delicate. And you feel that tiny heartbeat… and you know that you couldn’t love anything more in he whole world. And you hope that you can do right by that little girl… and always be there to catch her when she falls, and that nothing ever hurts her. Not a broken arm… or a bad dream… or a broken heart.  – Mark [Zac Efron], 17 Again

Bravo to the way this was said, written, and the manner in the movie in which it was addressed. For those readers that do not know, this is a quote from the movie “17 Again”. Zac Efron’s character gives this speech which has been labeled the “Abstinence speech” while he was in a high school class and condoms we’re being passed around.

I’m twenty-three years old. I am happily married, my husband and I are currently talking about having our first baby. The first thing that came to mind is us and our wanting to start a family. Why? Because I have found love, I have found love with my husband and we want to turn that love into a baby.

If love was explained to teenagers in this manner perhaps sex would have been taken more seriously [in my opinion]. This monologue in 17 Again, captures the link between love and sex. It’s the fact that you take that love you have for your significant other and you turn it into a baby that the two of you can love, protect and raise together. 17 Again, came out in 2009, my class and myself were already well on our way through adolescence and were one year out of high school already. I spent those four years watching classmates and peers fall in and out of love, get their hearts broken and listen to my mother & sister tell me to wait until I was truly in love [and married] before I had sex for the first time. I watched my younger sister fall in and out of love and talk to me about having sex for the first time. Today, I watch my youngest sister go through the rollercoaster as well. My hope is that she’s watched this movie, she might have it’s Zac Efron, and that this speech hit home and made her realized not to have sex unless it’s love and ready to procreate and have a baby.

I don’t know how many times I can say this to teenagers, don’t have sex unless you WANT a baby, can CARE for a baby, and want to be ATTACHED to the other half of that baby for the rest of your life. Sex isn’t just an activity to have fun and enjoy yourself… it’s to turn love into a little bundle of love that you can raise and cherish.

 

Remember that when you want to take your clothes off, or say that you’re in LOVE with someone.

Calling all military significant others… send me your thoughts!

I want to know what you’ve been through.

I want to know your positive and negatives.

I want to know your pet peeves, I want to know your experiences.

I want to know what you want to tell me….

 

Everything will be completely anonymous, I am using it as a research method for gathering thoughts/opinions for a writing piece I am working on and your input will be greatly appreciated!!

 

Tell me anything about it!

I am a military wife. I don’t want my input to be the only side on life as a military significant other in this piece. I thank you in advance!!

Email me: lifeaswethinkweknowit@gmail.com

 

 

Life lesson classes?

Note: This piece was written back in February of this year. It’s direct and open, but I get my point across… at least I think I do.  

In high school everything they teach you is to prepare you for college, in college everything to prepare you for your career – where the hell is the “Let’s prepare for life” classes. I get it, you expect us all to go to college, to have our degrees, careers well underway before we get married, have kids and settle down into society’s depiction of the “American family”.

Get over it, shit doesn’t always work out the way our teachers, professors, family, and friends think it should, but no one prepared us for anything more than scenario one.

There was no avoiding the drama that came with high school, college, and a military installation and no one taught me how to deal with it. I’m not saying there isn’t going to be drama… it happens I get it, but maybe a class on avoiding confrontation, or a way to deal with anger in a productive non explosive way? Maybe it’s just me wishing I had classes like that.

No one taught me about sex other than “it’s going to hurt ALOT, save it for marriage, and make sure you use protection” You know it’s going to happen and you know we’re going to be teenagers when it does, this isn’t the 1940s, at least teach us how to make it pleasurable for us. Even minor things like… positions? Don’t tell me it results in a baby, I get it that’s how I am here writing this today, I was a product of a couple having sex, yay moving on. No classes on that? Great I took advice from Cosmopolitan magazine that I started reading at the whooping age of 12… I was a curious child. Of course, it wasn’t until I was like 16 until I started feeling comfortable and feminine enough to get close to a guy and another 3 years to even consider “losing it” with him when I thought I was “ready”. Thanks for the sex lessons, it was awkward, I didn’t know what to do, and yes… it hurt. I don’t blame Cosmo for my rough first time, I’m blaming society’s lack of informative classes for that one and the fact that all they tell us is don’t do it. Haven’t they learned that if you tell us NOT to do something… we’re going to do it anyway.

Shit we have classes for Pregnant woman and teens for having the child, which is great we should, because if you thought the sex you had for the first time hurt… child birth is going to be excruciating.

So aside from the lacking information on how to actually have intercourse in a fun and not awkward scenario no one bothered to offer information on when you should…

– start looking into life insurance

– how to buy your first car

– searching for your first apartment

– medical insurance

– politics

– taxes

– putting together a resume

– finding a job/career

– parenting

…. the list goes on, apparently this shit is supposed to be common knowledge, news flash: it’s not.

If it wasn’t for the military I wouldn’t have looked into life insurance [even though my grandfather brought it up at dinner when I was 17 that I was already behind on having it – shit someone should have I don’t know… told me that].

My first car? please, I am just lucky I didn’t have to deal with a dealership until I got married and we were buying our first car together.

I live on a military installation, that took care of the apartment hunting, leases, dealing with a landlord and all that jazz… thank god!

Taxes? I know people that know how to do taxes, their parents taught them or my father did it for me… I tried one year, it didn’t work out, I had someone else do it for me.

My resume? I did that shit, I used a template on Microsoft Word and tips off Google.

Thank you high school for being completely useless to me. You taught me Mathematics I relearned in college, English I could have read on my own, Science that I could have taught myself out of the book, History which is completely useless, because let’s face it… the shit happened already. I learned that I can’t stand being friends with females because of their drama, I should have never dated a ginger, I had a love/hate relationship with swimming, I was going to always battle with poor self image because of the bullies and that I had absolutely ZERO common sense, social intelligence and knowledge of the common working world… so what good were you exactly??

My point is: we should probably learn about life’s little things that turn into major things, before we get smacked in the face with them and failure and forced to figure out how to do it on our own…

They lived happily ever after

Flooded with emotion I can hardly believe the events that are about to unfold today. It’s the event that as a little girl you only dream of and start planning until you find your Prince Charming. You plan the food to be devoured by the hundreds of guests attending; most you can’t remember their names. You plan who will spin the music that the drunken relatives and guests with bad hips will attempt to dance to. The dress has been picked out in a delicate shade of white, the tulle playing peek-a-boo underneath. The tuxes have been measured, hemmed, and perfectly fitted. Everything is in line for perfection; it is just waiting for the cue to start.

This is that day, but there is no white dress or tux, no embarrassing relatives, no planning of food. There is a bride and a a groom with a handful of closest family members. The white dress and tux have been replaced with standard issue digital camo with a flag adorning one side and a rank in the center of the chest. The high heels and shiny black shoes have taken a backseat to the tan laced up combat boots that have seen better days. A tiny courtroom acts as the chapel, the pews are a group of large polished wooden chairs arranged precisely in rows, each one with a perfect view. There are no flowers, no colour pattern, no silly entrance music. There’s a feeling in the room that radiates from everyone. It’s the feeling of parents watching their son grow into the man they raised him to be. It’s the feeling of ten years worth of a friendship watching their once heartbroken friend find the happiness she didn’t think existed.

There is only one thing that matters, the man standing across from me. He’s standing tall and dressed nearly identical to me, one of two differences… the last name on the right hand side. His hands reach over and take mine as we’re about to begin. Dressed in her traditional black robe, the magistrate begins. I know she’s talking, I can only half hear her though, I’m facing the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with and my heart is beating loudly. Holding my hands is the only person I found that makes me feel complete, the crystal blue eyes look at me in such a way I can only describe as: I know this is where I belong. I’ve watched this part in movies, the vow exchange. The part where in front of our little audience, God and each other; we profess to be forever one, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. The amount of emotion in this part of the ceremony is clearly unable to be captured on the cinema screen. I wanted nothing more than to shout “I DO, I REALLY DO’ and kiss him before I was told to do so. Trembling from the happiness and the holding back of tears, I manage to get out my “I DO” just loud enough that he can hear me and know that from this moment I am forever his. He says his “I DO” with confidence in his voice and his mouth forming a smile as he finished and gripped my hands tighter.

“I now pronounce you: husband and wife; you may now kiss the bride” and I melted. Melted into the arms of my true love, the one you think you’re not going to find because it only exists in “The Princess Bride”. However, I found it, and he is my husband.. my husband. I don’t want to let go, I want to stay in this moment as long as I can. As we break apart I feel a tug at my top and the sound of velcro ripping as my maiden name comes off my uniform and is replaced with my husband’s name; our name. And we turn to greet our family, the parents gaining a daughter and the ten years worth of friendship gaining a friend she is fully confident will take care of her “sister”.

Stepping outside, the sun shone brighter than any afternoon I’ve ever experienced in July. The city I spent my life in felt completely different or maybe it was that I felt different not that I’ve changed, but that I felt… whole. “Ready to go?”, and we walk towards the car Mr. & Mrs. getting ready to live happily ever after.

Note: This is my rendition of the event that took place a year ago today on 16 July 2012 when I married my best friend and better half. I only hope that one day everyone finds someone and even if they share an ounce of the passion and love we share for each other than you’ll be happily ever after too. 

Boulevard of Broken Promises.

As kids we take the promises made to us incredibly serious. If mom/dad forgot to take us to the park when they said, we would throw tantrums, pout, or give the silent treatment for hours.  Growing up isn’t much different, we still take those promises to heart. We dream about getting a ring as little girls and beginning to plan our wedding with Prince Charming. That ring is a promise to marry the man that gave it to you, that you said “yes” to, and that you will remain ever faithful. When he gave you that ring, he promised the same thing. Now, we get pretty upset when little promises go south, so you can only imagine when I promise to be with someone for the rest of your life goes the wrong way.

We love to hate the women that cheat on her fiance or husband; hate the men that have affairs as well. However, last night we were watching popular Nicholas Sparks classic love story “The Notebook” and we cheer for Ally and Noah, even when Ally is cheating on her fiance. I never really noticed it until last night, probably because it is a great love story and I am always a sucker for true love conquering all. I’ve been married for almost a year now and I can tell you that this isn’t the first time that we have sat down to watch “The Notebook” together. However, this is the first time sitting down and watching it that I got upset with Ally betraying Lon. Yes, I know that Lon isn’t her true love, her mother stepped in by taking the letters, and things with Noah were never given proper closure or finished, but does that really give her a legit reason to betray Lon by going to see Noah and the house they dreamed of building?

I have a friend who was engaged, and recently I talked to him and found out that his fiance cheated on him. Naturally he was outraged that she did it, called off the wedding, and was crushed. I can’t imagine being in that place. Yet the same thing happened to Lon, we didn’t care and we’re completely thrilled that Ally chose Noah!

What’s your opinion on it? As “The Notebook” lovers, one must have thought about it when this part of the movie presents itself; share that with me… I am curious to know if I am the only one that at one point or another in life, got upset about it.

More than meets the eye

Note: This was a paper I wrote 2010 in my Rhetoric class in college. The purpose of the paper was to pick a stereotype that we fell into, portray the negative aspects of the stereotype and then how we overcame them or don’t embody the stereotype. For example, dumb blondes or the topic of mine – foster/adopted children. I felt the need to share this paper following my blog post on the recent TV show “The Fosters”

Every child wants to be loved by their parents and maybe get a shiny new toy to keep them occupied. Regardless of whether or not the child shows that they need affection, we understand that as humans we need someone to love us. The same concept goes for a child that is placed into foster care and than into a foster home. However, they may show a need for love and affection more than children who grow up with their natural parents. Often, foster children have a troubled image. They go from foster home to foster home because they are unable to get along with their foster parents or siblings. Then, they are viewed as problematic children with behavioral problems.

These children often comes with anger management issues as well as problems communicating with the foster parents or the ability to get along with other children in the household. Foster children get into both verbal and physical fights, often resulting in the child running away from the foster home or being removed from it altogether thus, starting the cycle over again. They lack the skill to adapt to the new family because they feel out of place, as if they do not belong, or as if they are not wanted. A foster child may come with several emotional problems because of everything that the child has gone through at such a young age. The have emotional problems that can make it hard to deal with the anger. They keep all their emotions and feelings to themselves and do not let anyone else know what they are thinking. If the emotions remain bottled up long enough violent tendencies can surface. They will lash out on the first person nearest to them. Lashing out is the easiest way for them to release all the tension that they are feeling without realizing that they are causing pain to the people around them.

I am an adopted child, and I started out in foster care. From personal experience, I can tell you that I have had my share of behavioral problems, but I am still going to be successful. Some foster children may have behavioral problems, but most of us would have problems if our parents left us or were forcefully taken from them. It took my most of my life to start to control my anger problems and I am still working on them. Foster kids may have behavioral problems that may develop later into the child’s life, but all they need is an escape or a way to let the emotion out.

For example, I bottle up my emotions. When I am alone, I break down so no one can see me. I tend to hide my feelings so that the world believes me to be okay. I do not like talking to people about my feelings; there are bigger problems in the world than if I am feeling okay today. I played sports to try and release anger, and even though that allowed me to release anger, it did not all me to let out some of the bottled emotion. I write in a notebook the things that come to my head, song lyrics I write, lines from movies, or random quotes from the internet that catch my attention and mean something to me. This semester, I have taken up a blog [not this one, a tumblr hiya-im-vickie.tumblr.com]. So now, I write publicly online. Even though anger and behavioral problems are noticed more in in adopted children, overtime they can be controlled.

Behavioral problems and anger management was just one of the things that I had to overcome. Like so many other adopted children, when trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to get it back. I believe, that this coincides with the abandonment issue. You love someone and are attached to them and than suddenly that are gone; removed from your life. Trust is a bond that people need in relationships. Whether it is parent to child, between siblings, boyfriend to girlfriend or between friends, trust is needed. It is hard for a child that was put into foster care to fully trust anyone. This inability to trust is often accompanied with the fear of abandonment associated with the fact that their parents “did not want them.” So they are reluctant to trust, feeling as though whoever they get close will also abandon them. The closer that I get to someone, the more afraid I get that they will be leaving me. It has happened before.  Who is to say it will not happen again/. This is why, to me, it may be the hardest wall to climb: to fully trust another human again.

Another image that I find associated to foster or adopted children is a troubled one. In television shows and movies there is a misperception that adopted children really do not have the will to succeed in life. They tend to drop out of school, hardly ever pursue higher education, end up doing nothing with their lives. Because of their inability to trust, it is also difficult to maintain relationships. The belief that foster children chose to do absolutely nothing with their lives is false in my eyes. I am enrolled in school and have set many goals for myself that are attainable.  I am going places. I think that children places in foster care and later adopted have more willpower to succeed. We want to prove that we can succeed better than if we stayed with our biological parents. There had to be a reason we were placed in foster care, so obviously we can be better.  I am proof that most cases being adopted is the right option regardless of the emotional  pain that the child goes through.

In conclusion, although there are so many common misperceptions that come with being an adopted/foster child, that does not mean they are true. Yes, I will admit that there is some truths that adopted children tend to have behavioral problems. However, these problems can be easily fixed. The trust issue that they have will dissipate with time. I know all of this from my personal experience. One should not see foster children as problematic with behavioral issues, but children that have the potential to do so much more. The emotional problems are just an obstacle that they have to climb.

It’s my blog I can write what I want to

In Miley Cyrus’ new song she says “it’s my mouth I can say what I want to” and I love that, but I sit and ponder… can we really say what we want?

Yes I believe we can say what we want and on most occasions I say WHATEVER, I want. Although we have the freedom of saying whatever we want we must be sure that we are willing to back/defend those words once we say them. Once something is said it can’t be taken back. Of course you can retract your statement, apologize, say you didn’t mean it, but here’s the simple fact…. you said it – own it. Somewhere someone is going to remember what you said so it’s not going away. The same goes for writing, it’s my blog I can write what I want to…. true or false? True – technically. However, much like speaking you must own everything that you write, publish, or put on the internet. You never know who is looking at your writing at any point in the day/night, where they’re from, or if they know you or not. You can have something published on a blog or a social media site for a split second and you have just reached thousands+ people before you can blink and even process that you want to delete what you just wrote. Sure, you can delete it… easy, right? Not so fast, technology has a way of being able to instantly capture something we want to save that we are looking at. Our iPhones take screenshots and our computers have a print screen button that automatically copies what you are looking at it.

By saying this it relates to an article I wrote in the beginning of June about Facebook etiquette. In the article I spoke about making sure you screen what you write on your social media sites so that you don’t damage potential career opportunities in your future. Aside from keeping the alcohol and partying pictures off the social media sites, we must watch our manners [in my opinion]. Growing up there is going to be drama, and it doesn’t diminish after high school or even after you get married, it’s always going to present itself in some manner [trust me from experience]. Venting/complaining/bitching about the drama on sites such as Facebook is a way for us to get people [“friends”] to agree with us, like our status updates, and chime their opinion in on the matter. I have personally partaken in the slandering of others on my social media site, I am not innocent when it comes to that. From personal experience, I can tell you that it didn’t make me feel any better to slander someone on social media. I might have felt better for about two minutes afterwards or each time someone told me I was right, or they agreed with what I wrote, but I didn’t gain anything from it. It didn’t exactly make me feel better about myself… but after so many people saw it, I deleted it and owned up to the fact that I wrote it.

Point I am getting at, especially for the teenagers out there that don’t think before they write: start thinking. If you chose not to think before you write or speak own up to what you said/wrote. Don’t slander, trust me it doesn’t make you feel any better [like I said I know, I’ve done it before… many a times]. You can say what ever you want, you can write whatever you want. If you want to burn bridges with the words, than burn them but know that it is going to take a hell of a lot of effort to rebuild them if you want them back. Don’t give yourself a bad reputation for putting people on blast on social media, no one will want to befriend you if they think it’s going to happen to them next.

 

Be wise.